Segment 77: Watt's in a name?

Last time, we did a segment on eponyms, words named for people, and there were so many we had to do another.

Bluetooth: The Scandinavian makers of the revolutionary wireless device named it for 10th century King Harald “Bluetooth” Gormsson, noted for a dead, discolored tooth.

Ferris wheel: Pittsburgh structural engineer George Washington Gale Ferris Jr., who inspected steel for the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, brought up the idea for an enormous metal wheel to rival the Eiffel Tower.

Freudian slip: Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, described these speaking errors that reveal secret thoughts – usually sexual.

jacuzzi.com

Jacuzzi: The Jacuzzi family, early 20th century Italian immigrants, developed various forms of water pumps in California. In 1968, Roy Jacuzzi created the world’s first integrated whirlpool bath.

Paramount Studios

Mach 1: The sound barrier is named for Austrian physicist Ernst Mach, the first to systematically study supersonic motion, in the 1880s. He made important contributions to understanding the Doppler effect, and influenced a young Albert Einstein, who called Mach the philosophical forerunner of relativity theory.

Marxism: German philosopher Karl Marx co-wrote the Communist Manifesto in 1848 and authored Das Kapital in 1867. Both predicted the collapse of capitalism and championed pure socialism. His writings inspired many early 20th century communist regimes.

Molotov cocktail: When the Soviet Union invaded Finland in November 1939, Soviet foreign minister Vyacheslav Molotov claimed his forces were dropping not bombs but humanitarian food packages. That prompted Finns to sarcastically label bombs as “Molotov picnic baskets,” and later to use the term “Molotov cocktails” for their own improvised firebombs of glass bottles, gasoline and cloth wicks.

Murphy’s Law: “If something can go wrong, it will.” The most accepted origin story is that, during a test at what’s now Edwards Air Force base in California, some sensors were installed backward, prompting engineer Capt. Edward A. Murphy to utter a variation of the infamous phrase. Wordorigins.org says it found several versions, dating back to the Roman empire!

Jim Crow: Starting in 1828, performer Thomas Dartmouth "Daddy" Rice had a successful stage act in blackface, as an exaggerated, highly stereotypical character. Soon the phrase became a racial slur. By the end of the 1800s, it instead described laws and customs that oppressed African-Americans.

Lynching: During the American Revolution, Charles Lynch, a Virginia planter and justice of the peace, headed an irregular vigilante court formed to punish loyalists outside due process.

Ponzi scheme: In 1920, the Italian immigrant launched the scam now named for him, in which existing investors are paid with money collected from new investors. Ponzi went to prison.

Salmonella poisoning: In the late 1800s, veterinarian Daniel Elmer Salmon was first chief of the federal Bureau of Animal Industry and established its Division of Animal Pathology. A colleague who first identified the bacteria behind a disease named it for Salmon.

National Park Service

Teddy Bear: President Theodore Roosevelt came up empty during a 1902 hunting trip in Mississippi. An assistant cornered a black bear and tied it to a tree, and associates brought the president over. He refused to shoot it. A political cartoon satirizing the incident inspired a Brooklyn businessman to create a stuffed toy, “Teddy’s bear.” 

Volt, Watt: In the late 1700s and early 1800s, Italian physicist Alessandro Volta made a number of discoveries in the early field of electricity, leading scientists to name for him the unit for electromagnetic force. Scottish engineer James Watt’s improvements to the steam engine were a significant factor in the Industrial Revolution, and in the late 1800s, pairing the Watt engine with Thomas Edison’s electrical generator allowed generation of electricity on a large scale.

Zamboni.com

Zamboni: In 1940, refrigeration businessman Frank Zamboni and relatives opened a giant ice skating rink in Southern California. At the time, resurfacing ice was done by hand and took several workers more than an hour. In 1949, Frank developed a machine that would shave the ice, remove shavings, and wash and squeegee the surface. 

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/XimRMXn3olw

Next time: More words that are names. Ye gods!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Placement!

Back in August 2021, more than two years ago, we devoted an entire segment to the misuse of “only.” We noted that a national insurance company has made a grammatically incorrect phrase its punch line. And now, a major phone company has started a campaign that makes the same mistake! We suspect many an English teacher has reminded these guys that this sentence suggests you don’t eat, breathe or sleep; all you do is pay for what you need. Correct: “Pay for only what you need.” Clearly the firms can’t say they didn’t know. We suspect they don’t care. If only…

Same rule. “…members get paid only if debt limit solved.”

“Only” strikes again! Everyone knows the restaurant doesn’t really mean what it wrote, which would be that no humans, cats or robots are allowed; just service dogs. But the place on the right figured it out. (We could have done without the extraneous comma and excess capitalization.)

He’s not the former disgraced president. He is, depending on your point of view, the disgraced former president. (PS: “Smith’s office announced it expects…")

It’s not Gaetz’s role that ousted McCarthy. Say, “Gaetz’s role in question after McCarthy ousted.”

Remember: The verb goes next to the phrase it is “verbing.” (Not a word.) In this case, the county “soon could require school uniforms.”

Same problem. Shark attacks “still are rare.”

We’ve covered this before. You don’t allow a map to be redrawn. You can’t allow it to do anything. You can’t direct it to do anything. You can’t order it to do anything. It’s an inanimate object. You allow people to redraw it.

Nope. Sadly, something definitely was recovered. How about: “The Coast Guard said last week that likely human remains have been recovered…”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 58: Hundred-dollar words and ten-dollar words. https://youtu.be/OIbEVkRo0qQ

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 76: What’s in a name?

An eponym is a word named after a person. Some are self-explanatory. Some are more obscure.

Adam’s apple: The throat feature – women do have them, just not as prominently – stems from the biblical story that the forbidden fruit stuck in Adam’s throat.

Axel jump (ice skating): Norwegian skater Axel Paulsen introduced the jump back in 1888.

Ball jar, Mason jar: John Landis Mason invented the jar in New Jersey in 1858. William Charles Ball and his four brothers invented a variation in 1880 in Buffalo and took over Mason’s patent when it expired. The Ball brothers went on to found Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana.

Boycott: 1880s Irish tenant farmers refused to do business with a British estate manager, Charles Cunningham Boycott.

Chauvinist: Nicolas Chauvin was a character in the 1831 play La Cocarde tricolore who was noted for his excessive patriotism and devotion to Napoleon.

Cologne: Named for the French pronunciation of Köln, the German city where it was created in the early 18th century. At the time, French was the official language of international commerce, and smart marketing said “Eau de Cologne” sounded better than “Kölnisch Wasser.”

Diesel: In the 1880s, German engineer Rudolf Diesel developed an internal-combustion replacement for steam power.

Fahrenheit: The now-archaic system used by America, and just about nobody else, was developed by Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit, a German scientist born in Poland in 1686.

Architectural Digest

Gaudy: Some believe this term for “tastelessly ornate or showy” refers to the avant-garde Spanish architect Antoni Gaudi (1852-1926), most famous for Barcelona’s “Sagrada Familia” (holy family) cathedral, under renovation for more than a century, but finished any day now! Actually, “gaudy” dates back to old English of the 1600s.

Gerrymander: In 1812, Massachusetts Gov. Elbridge Gerry (actually pronounced with a hard G), a Founding Father, approved a plan to bizarrely redraw districts to benefit his party.  

Guppy: in 1866, Robert John Lechmere Guppy sent specimens of the fish from Trinidad to the Natural History Museum in London.

Hobson’s choice: Meaning a choice between two untenable options, it was named for Thomas Hobson, who, in the late 1500s, ran a British mail service and rented his horses to college students off hours. When some mounts became overworked, Hobson told the students to take the horse nearest the stable door, or none. 

Masochism, Sadism: In the 1800s,  Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose name became a term for a sexual need to be dominated or punished, wrote of women as femme fatales who sexually victimize men. And in 1785, the Marquis de Sade, imprisoned in Paris’ Bastille prison, wrote 120 Days of Sodom, a sexually explicit account of four men who kidnap selected victims for a nonstop orgy and subject them to rape, torture, and various mutilations.

Pasteurized: In the 1860s, the famed French scientist Louis Pasteur developed the process of heating wine to destroy microorganisms, and later extended it to milk and other spoilable substances.

Nicotine: Jean Nicot de Villemain, a French ambassador to Portugal, sent tobacco seeds to Paris in 1550.

Poinsettia: In 1828, Joel Roberts Poinsett, an American botany enthusiast and the first U.S. ambassador to Mexico, brought back the colorful plant to his South Carolina home.

Sandwich: While the idea of meat jammed between two pieces of bread dates back centuries, legend credits English politician John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, who sat for 24 hours at a gaming table, too absorbed to leave, while people brought him the meal later named for him.

Saxophone: In the 1840s, Belgian-born musical instrument designer Adolphe Sax wanted to create an instrument that combined the best qualities of a woodwind with those of a brass instrument.

Shrapnel: 18th century British artillery officer Henry Shrapnel developed a "spherical case," a hollow cannon ball filled with shot which burst in mid-air. It later became a term for any ordnance fragment.

Valentine: The saint, or saints, for which the day of romance is named, reportedly secretly performed illegal weddings in the third century and were beheaded.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/hQVSnrqZBUM

Next time: A million volts worth of words that are names.

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Loyal reader and occasional contributor Robin Kert noted this item in our Nov. 26, 2023 segment: “Good neighbors curb their dog.” Sounded like one dog. We suggested, “Good neighbors curb their dogs.” Robin writes, “How about ‘Good neighbors leash their dogs.’ Straightforward language everyone understands.” “Horribly Wrong” is about clarity. We therefore CONCUR.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Ho, ho, ho!
No, no, no.

It’s the official start of the Christmas shopping season! Nothing says “festive” like shoving your way in when the place opens the day after Thanksgiving, fighting for the last doll, standing in lines that stretch out the door, waiting on hold for an hour, or staring at that little spinning circle of death on your computer screen. What joy! At least companies, groups and governments get in the spirit by finally getting grammar right. OK. They don’t.

Again: No apostrophe in chocolates. And this still would be three fourths of a penny.

Isn’t it amazing how misplaced punctuation can make something unintelligible? And what about the wordy writing? Let’s fix this:
“We gladly will provide a store credit or exchange within 48 hours of your purchase, if for any reason you’re not satisfied with our service or any of our products. You must provide the cashier’s receipt.“

May we retire “process your request?” Imagine taking a stool at your corner pub and ordering your favorite ale and the barkeep says, “I’ll process your request.” It’s bureaucratese at its foulest. Plus, there’s a strong suggestion that nothing will happen anytime soon. And by the way, we have a problem with “request.” You want our money or not?

These folks must be pretty good neighbors to share one dog. Let’s do: “Good neighbors curb their dogs.” Or, “Be a good neighbor. Curb your dog.”

We talked in September 2023 about how formal writing sometimes goes too far. This goofy construction is similar to “Please be advised.” Thank you. Yes! I will be reminded. I’ll get on it right away.

Jonathan Petersohn

Wow! Florida’s official state college has an official state collage! It must be a beautiful piece of art.

You might know by now that this is one of our all-stars. Again: It’s not a hot water heater. In fact, it doesn’t heat hot water, except to make it hotter. What it really is is a cold water heater. Let’s just go with “water heater.”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 57: Not so fast! https://youtu.be/12-t1jqtMEw

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 75: Even more clichés

https://whsjohnnygreen.org

We’ve explained in previous segments that clichés are words or phrases that early on were really, really popular, so everyone used them. Way too much.
You thought we’d listed all of them?
Recently, we found a marvelous list of hundreds of clichés at Lisa Lepke’s “Pro Writing Aid.” Do yourself a favor. Make this list part of your “stylebook.” If a phrase is here, don’t use it! It’s a no-brainer.
Some of our favorites:

Unsplash.com

• Beating a dead horse.

• A blast from the past.

• As the crow flies.

• A last-minute decision.

• A picture's worth a thousand words.

• All bets are off.

• All's well that ends well.

• As far as the eye can see.

• Bad egg.

• Better safe than sorry.

• Don’t judge a book by its cover.

• He had an ax to grind.

• He’s a man after my own heart.

• He’s as good as gold.

• I’m all ears.

• I’m as happy as a clam.

Unsplash.com

Iowa Agribusiness Network

• It’s a drop in the bucket.

• Ignorance is bliss.

• It was all hands on deck.

• It’s a fate worse than death

• It’s all in a day's work.

• The grass is always greener on the other side.

• Play your cards right.

• It’s as easy as pie.

• It’s no bed of roses.

• Read between the lines.

• It’s a no-brainer.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/oBzRQ8kfg2o

Next time: What’s in a name?

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Retailer: Offer a retired English teacher a few gift cards to look over your signs and ads! Worth every penny.

Strap on your cummerbunds. We’re going to a party!

Scott Simmons

What do you wear when you are picking out glassware?

The last thing you want to see in your chocolate mousse is a…

Our complimentary ice cream complements your meal. (And what the heck is Iceam?

Good spelling is more than a convenience. Dealing with typos is no convinience at all.

It would be locked for your guests’ safety.

Scott Simmons

If you want to buy some stationery, you’ll have to remain stationary.

St. Pete has beautiful beaches and a major league baseball team. But no “H” at the end.

Who came up with “rideshare”? It’s wrong! Yes, when you rent a car, Hertz is “sharing” its car with you, but you are paying for that privilege. Outfits such as Uber and Lyft should be described as, for example, “app-based car services.” Or, the “Horribly Wrong” team just could go to its bible, the Associated Press Stylebook, which calls for “ride-hailing” or “ride-booking.”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 56: Back to school. https://youtu.be/KbPNFffGfvY

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
A headline recently used the spelling judgemental. The dictionary says both it and judgmental are acceptable, but the first mostly is used in the UK, and the latter in the U.S.
Lou Ann, our Rules Committee, consulted the Associated Press stylebook, our bible in such matters. Her report: “AP’s dictionary of choice says judgmental. (Webster’s New World College Dictionary, fifth edition).”
SO ORDERED.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 74: ¡El español es fácil!*”

“Hello. Elections office? I thought candidates had to keep their signs a distance away. I went to vote Tuesday and I saw a sign right at the front door that said, ‘VOTE AQUI.*’ Who is this Aqui guy, and why does he get special treatment?”

Our March 27, 2022, segment dealt with the writers’ minefield that is foreign words, phrases and images. In the past few segments, we’ve covered the different ways Americans and their British and Canadian cousins struggle with the same mother tongue. Today we talk about the influence of what all would agree is the closest thing in this country to a second language: Spanish.

Eliot, growing up in South Florida, didn’t have to actively learn Spanish. It got into his pores. He would inflict his bad Spanish on the counter people at the Cuban coffee shop. He read the Spanish-language papers. He even watched the legendary telenovelas. (¡Mi esposa! En la cama con mi hermano! ¡Morir! ¡Morir!*”)

Here are some words we stole from Spanish: (If a lot of these sound Mexican, well, duh! Look at the map!)

• Patio

• Burrito

• Macho

• Lasso

• Avocado

• Canyon

• Tornado

• Plaza

• Armada

• Flotilla

• Vigilante

• Platinum (From “plata,” “silver.”)

• Buckaroo (From “vaquero,” “cowboy.” “Cow” in Spanish is “vaca.”)

• Guerrilla (From guerra, war)

• Mosquito (The diminutive of mosca: “little fly.”)

• Alligator (From “el lagarto,” “the lizard.”)

• Florida (Explorers would name new lands for the current festival back in Spain; in this case, Easter’s “Festival of the Flowers,” Pascua Florida. (PS: Juan Ponce de Leon was NOT looking for the Fountain of Youth!)

• Los Angeles (from “El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula;” ”The Town of Our Lady the Queen of Angels of the Porciúncula River.”)

• San Antonio: Anthony
  San Bernardino: Bernard
  San Diego, Santiago: James
  San Francisco: Francis
  San Jose: Joseph
  San Marco: Mark
  Santa Rosa: Rose

One final note: If you get frustrated with immigrants struggling with English, keep in mind that they speak at least two languages. How many do you speak?

(Special thanks to Dan Scapusio)

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/vzU3FLgw6_E

Next time: We beat a dead horse.

From the Mailbag: Longtime reader and occasional contributor Robin Kert read our Oct. 29, 2023, Grammar Police segment on people who mix up whales and Wales. She asked, “Can you go whale watching in Wales?” Robin: Here you go.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Whale on!

Theransomnote.com

Wales is a part of the United Kingdom. Charles was Prince of Wales until the 2022 death of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He then became King Charles III, and his son, William, became the new Prince of Wales.

freeworld,maps.net

Buckingham Palace

In 1924, the then-Prince of Wales, who later would become King Edward VIII, donated a trophy to the National Hockey League. Since 1993, it’s been given to the winner of the NHL’s Eastern Conference.

NHL.com

Wales. Prince of Wales. Prince of Wales Trophy. Everyone straight?
Apparently not.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 55: Hiding in plain sight. https://youtu.be/aMkitBA7YTE

From the mailbag: Our Oct. 22, 2023, segment on Canada, which included an argument for America to finally go metric, prompted longtime reader and occasional contributor Bob Yankowitz to write: “No argument against the length and weight parts of the metric system, but Fahrenheit is much superior to Celsius. They're both decimal based, but the Fahrenheit scale is much more attuned to human experience. Zero degrees Fahrenheit is really cold, and 100 degrees is really hot. That's a range most of humanity lives within, and a degree Fahrenheit is just about the smallest noticeable increment. The folks in the Celsius countries live in a range that covers about 56 degrees C, with each degree being too large. Basing the Celsius scale on the freezing and boiling points of water is arbitrary and unrelated to how we live and perceive the world around us.”

Readers: What sayeth you?

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 73: The Canadian club

In our last segment, we talked about how America and Great Britain use the same language differently. Granted, England is the mother country. But for clashes of vernacular, we didn’t have to go that far; just to our neighbors to the north.

Canada is our second-biggest trade partner (behind China), the other side of the longest peaceful border in the world, and the folks who gave us hockey, Alexander Graham Bell, Anne of Green Gables, and Michael J. Fox. Despite that, many Americans really disrespect our closest friends by knowing almost nothing about them. They don’t know poutine from parkades, Montreal from Medicine Hat, or Dan Aykroyd from Leslie Nielsen. (Surely you can’t be serious!)

But those Canadians do talk funny sometimes! Next time you encounter Canadian snowbirds, run these phrases past them. (As in the U.S., some are regionalisms.) You’ll be surprised how many things Americans get wrong! Soory.

Also, les gens parlent aussi français !

American                                Canadian
Bathroom                                Washroom
Couch                                     Chesterfield
Don’tcha think?                  Eh?
Elementary school                  Public school
Firehouse                           Fire hall
Garbage disposer                  Garburator
Gas station                           Gas bar
Grade a test                            Mark a test
Hot dog, loaded/the works/all the way. Hot dog, all-dressed
Non-dairy creamer                 Whitener
Paper napkin                          Serviette
Parking garage                        Parkade
Rubber band                            Elastic
Rube/yahoo/bumpkin/hick/hayseed Hoser
Studio apartment                   Bachelor apartment
Substitute teacher                   Supply teacher
Suck-up/yes-man                    Keener
Sweat pants                             Track pants
Take a test                               Write a test
Tennis shoes                            Runners
Unemployment insurance      Pogey
”Waiter: The check, please.”    “Waiter: The bill, please.”
Whole milk                               Homo milk
Zee (last letter of alphabet)                   Zed
ZIP code                                 Postal code

Things Canada gets right:
Metric. C’mon. Freezing at 32 degrees? A mile is 5,280 feet? A gallon is 128 ounces? A ton is 2,000 pounds? It’s dizzying. And out of touch with the rest of the world. Imperial: Myanmar, Liberia, and the United States. That’s it.

Metric is real simple. Water boils at 100 and freezes at zero. A hundred kilometers an hour is a good speed to drive. A liter is a perfect size for a party-sized soft drink bottle. A thousand grams equals one kilo (Right, South Floridians who grew up in the 1980s drug wars?).

One day the U.S. government will give us five years to go metric. You’ll kick and scream. And at the end of five years you won’t remember what an inch is.

Uniquely Canadian:
Loonie, Toonie: One- and two-dollar coins, named for the loon on the front.
Poutine: French fries and cheese curds.
Toque: A wool cold-weather cap
Two-four: A case of 24 beers (Molson’s or Labatt’s? You decide, you hoser!)

Canadian readers: Any challenges? Additions? Send ‘em in, eh?

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/gUTKiaT12H8

Next time: ¡Algo salió terriblemente mal!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police: UK Edition

In our Oct. 8, 2023, segment, we explained the differences between American and British English. We worked in a visit to the UK. And brought the Grammar Police with us! To our cousins across the pond: You invented the dang language. You have to follow its rules as well. Keep calm and carry on!

Oxford and Edinburgh: And you thought only American’s are misuser’s of apostrophe’s! Also, those gemstones are so good they provide positivity twice!

South Kensington, London: Uh, looks like the “closing” part is over. This checkout is closed!

Oxford: We say “apologizes” and they say “apologises.” Pick one! “Apologies” doesn’t work.

South Florida: Nope. We write Amerikin here!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 54: Your Government at Work. https://youtu.be/chCLmG9egoY?si=SLUrHhvw5jl7cdbt

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 72: English English

“England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” — Attributed to George Bernard Shaw

Eliot visited the United Kingdom in the summer of 2023. At Eilean Donan Castle in Scotland, he jokingly asked a man handing out guides, “Is this in American English?” The man said, with a straight face that hid a twinkle, “No. Proper English.”
During Eliot’s visit, he encountered — and photographed — many examples of people speaking differently than Americans. Why is that a surprise? There's different slang between Brooklyn and the Bronx!

Several years ago, Eliot grabbed an audiobook off the discount rack that turned out to be an unauthorized James Bond novel. In one scene, an American military guy briefed a group on some deadly mission. The British writer had the American speaking in British-ese! So a gruff G.I. Joe growled in an American accent, "Let's go, men. Grab your Macintoshes and toss them in your bonnets." Yes. It was bad. Writers: don’t make the same mistake. In one of Eliot's novels, his Miami detective meets with two British government officials. Eliot was terrified that, like the Ian Fleming wannabe, he'd inadvertently have the Brits talk like Americans. So he reached out to a British cousin to "translate" the dialogue.

We won’t attempt to tackle the other parts of the world whose denizens speak a different form of English (Put British and Texan accents in a blender, get Australian). And we won’t address the infuriating British (and Canadian!) habit of sticking a "u" in words such as color and honor, or switching an “s” for a “z.” How disorganised!. After all, as we explained in our March 28, 2021, segment, those are the real reasons for the American Revolution. Really. Look it up.

Here are some American terms and their British counterparts, from Spellzone and the British Club. Do your homework! Full stop!

Private school Public school

Public school State school

Raincoat Mackintosh

Umbrella Brolly

Round-trip ticket Return ticket

Lawyer Barrister or solicitor

Mailbox Postbox

Main street High street

For rent To let

Shopping cart Shopping trolley

Sled Sledge

Sneakers Trainers

Soccer Football

Football American football

Subway Underground or tube

Sweater Jumper

Takeout food Takeaway

Highway pulloff/rest area Layby

Traffic circle Roundabout

TV Telly

Vacation Holiday

Wrench Spanner

Yield Give way

ZIP code Postcode

Apartment Flat

Elevator Lift

Can Tin

Candy Sweets

Cookie or cracker Biscuit

Cell phone Mobile phone

Diaper Nappy

Dish towel Tea towel

Drugstore Chemist

Exit Way out

Expressway Motorway

Flashlight Torch

French fries Chips

Potato chips Crisps

Garbage Rubbish

Garbage can Dustbin

Gasoline Petrol

Stand in line Queue

Truck Lorry

Trunk of a car Boot

Hood of a car Bonnet

Convertible top Hood

Pants Trousers

Parking lot Car park

Pencil eraser Rubber

Period (punctuation). Full stop

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/J1ngsOZUvSo

Next time: Bug off, ya hoser!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

We get no thill from finding typos, misspellings, and homophone goofs

Chris Huhn

Bruce Moore

The abbreviation for Oregon is OR. Not O.R. The network quickly took down this typo.

You compliment the chef when his dishes complement each other. (Also: The word right should be followed by a question mark.)

You might live in a manor but you celebrate in a manner. (We, too, celebrate the great Jimmy Buffett.)

Jonathan Petersohn

Call us and we’ll give you the phone number!

Readers: Some typos are the result of plain old brain freezes. Or worse, just having people with limited vocabulary in positions for which they’re not qualified. Most newspaper mistakes occur because they no longer can afford as many proofreaders who would catch the goofs. If you hate typos, support your local paper!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 53: More anachronisms. https://youtu.be/ecBECizVWGQ

People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples of that from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 71: Vote for me and I'll set you free

“Meeting of the Birmingham Political Union.” Birmingham Museums and Art Gallery

It’s hard to find a more “target rich environment” for clichés, meaningless or misleading statements, glittering generalities, or downright fibs, than the campaign trail. We urge you, regardless of your political leanings, never to take a politician’s statement at face value. Research the candidates and issues. Be an informed voter. That’s your duty as a citizen.

1. Answer the question! Many politicians are notorious for dodging reporters’ questions. One time, Eliot asked a top state leader the same question three times in a row. Each time the politician gave a non-responsive answer. Politicians will say they feared the reporter would twist their answer. But you should take meaning from their refusal to answer.

2. Glittering generalities: People who can’t provide specifics will speak in vague terms, and as a reporter, Eliot’s primary job was to call them on it. One candidate said his opponent, an incumbent who was on tap for the top leadership of the state legislature, “cares more about Tallahassee” than his district. Eliot said, “Can you give an example?” It wasn’t an unfair question. In fact, Eliot figured it was a “softball” — slang for a ridiculously easy question — if the guy had all sorts of examples of the incumbent voting with colleagues instead of looking out for constituents. But he didn’t. He was defeated easily.

3. “News conference:” If a politician says she/he will hold a news conference/press conference, and reporters show up, and the politician, surrounded by supporters, gives what amounts to a speech, and leaves without taking questions, that is NOT a news/press conference, and don’t let the politician get away with it. Call it a speech. Or a rally.

4. Opposition ads vs. attack ads: Going after a person’s track record and exposing lies and hypocrisy are fair game. Some ads cross the line. Usually, you’ll know it.

Hall of Fame:

• “We’re going to fight for families. We’re going to fight for working people. We’re going to fight for hard-working people. We’re going to fight for working families.”
  This suggests the politician is not going to fight for single, lazy, or unemployed people. Don’t they count?

• “I will fight for people like you.”
  Besides being grammatically incorrect (“people such as you,”) this raises the question of whether the politician won’t fight for people who are not like you. And since he’s talking to everyone….

• “I believe in family values.”
  Today, the definitions of both “family” and “values” have expanded. Use such terms with care.

• “The radical left.”
  “The radical right.”
  You would think that, after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, people would be careful to use such inflammatory terms as “radical.” You would think.

• “In my campaign, and as a legislator, I vow to go the extra mile, to do the hard work, and to step out of my comfort zone to challenge the problems others write off as too difficult to solve.”
  This was an actual campaign ad. If you can glean from it any specific reasons to vote for this candidate over another, then, well, you get the government you deserve.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/XW10tVM79K0

Next time: Put that in your bonnet.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

The Bert Lahr Awards

We did a segment in December 2022 on qualifiers, which are a form of cowardly writing. But we keep catching you using them. Stop! Be brave!

Phone call: “Hello. I’m checking to see if my business may qualify.”
Wrong! It will or it won’t.
Correct: “Hello. I’m checking to see if my business will qualify.”

Same mistake. The subcommittee is not investigating whether he might have done these things. They’re investigating whether he did do those things. The federal bureaucracy is rife with cowardly writing.

You speculate on opening day that your team will win the title. You speculate in eighth grade that one day you will marry the girl sitting behind you. People speculate that someone will be criminally charged. Not might.

If there’s a chance the grand jury will vote today on charges, you don’t have to say “possible.”

Bob Yankowitz

Remember: By definition, a suspension is temporary. The bus company is ending the service. For good. Then the writer said, “permanently ending,” which, of course, is both a qualifier and a redundant redundancy.

It is a fact that this could be wine. There’s a chance it is wine. Pick one.

Good grief. 100 out of 100 may be using illegal drugs. Or zero out of 100! Right? Also, when you use a figure such as “one in ten,” there’s an understanding that it’s not exact. So just say, “In the population aged 16 to 59, one in ten is using illegal drugs.;..”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 52: Anachronisms. https://youtu.be/OZHusBtDpA4

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 70: My pleasure!

In the last century, a lady named Emily Post made a living — and became a household name — publishing guides to proper etiquette. Some people found the advice quite valuable. Others were busy trying to figure out how to pay the next month’s rent.
The Horribly Wrong team is all for keeping courtesy and manners in a growingly rude world. But don’t go overboard. You can be cordial without having to use flowery writing.

1. “I want to wish you a happy birthday.” “I’d like to wish you a happy birthday.”
   ”Happy birthday.”

2. “I’d like to thank you for all your hard work.”
   ”Thank you for all your hard work.”

3. “We request the honor of your presence.”
   ”Please join us…”

4. “It is my pleasure to introduce myself. May I introduce myself.”
   ”Hello. I am — “ (A pleasure to introduce yourself? Really?)

5. “We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected…”
   ”You have been selected…”

6. “Put on your dancing shoes!”
   If any reader actually owns shoes designed only for dancing at social events, please advise and we’ll reconsider.

7. “Enclosed please find…”
   Spend ten seconds looking at this phrase.

8. “Hope this correspondence finds you well.”
   See #7.

9. “Inquire within.”
   We found this usage as far back as a newspaper advertisement in 1770! Within? Just say “Inquire inside.”

10. “How are you?” ”How’s it going?” “What’s up?”
    In each of these greetings, the speaker doesn’t really want to know how you are, what you are doing, or what might be in the sky. It’s a placeholder. Why not just say, “Hello?” (Note: The Horribly Wrong team acknowledges it might lose this fight under the “nitpick” doctrine.)

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/vE0YNVWZzd4

Next time: Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

We’ve seen flagrant insults, but something stinks here!

We first discussed this sudden shift of identities back in November 2021. How does this happen? The restaurant will put a hold on your tab. Then the restaurant will agree to settle its tab. Before it leaves the restaurant. That’s what it says. But that’s not what the operators mean. How about, “You agree to settle your tab.” (And we know you’re trying be artsy, but use capitalizations.)

Bob Yankowitz

Shoring up banks is a shore way to make sure.

We’ve talked about how you can have news that’s big news but not breaking news. Well, sometimes, it’s not even big news.

Kathy Dull

The Grammar Police in no way endorse grammar vigilantism.

Embattled means girded for battle. The word you want here is beleaguered.

“Always baked without artificial colors, flavors or preservatives.”

Ron Hayes

That pesky comma! The one that changes “Let’s eat, Grandma,” to “Let’s eat Grandma.” In this case, it sounds as if this documentary explores Reggie’s life, his baseball, and his racism.

This isn’t wrong. Just wordy. Let’s tighten it. How about: “Donation center behind building.” Trust people to figure out the rest. Oh. Like these guys:

Readers: People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com! In the meantime, we’ll keep at it.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 51: Maybe, Maybe, maybe. https://youtu.be/_NNs3q8kwX4]

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Longtime reader and sometime contributor Dr. Baruch Kahana asked about a line we’ve used at the bottom of every segment since we started in January 2021: “Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you.” The good doctor submits the following:
“Shouldn’t that be, ‘so we can credit you properly’? ‘Properly’ is an adverb -- I think -- and adverbs usually follow the associated verb. No? (I guess you’re not the only nitpicker around these here parts!).”
Lou Ann, our Rules Committee, says, “He’s got us. Not technically an infinitive phrase, but it still should end with the adverb.”
We therefore CONCUR and enjoin ourselves to correct the error, starting right now. See below.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 69: News cliché bingo!

By now, you likely have gotten very good at spotting chronic goofs. Here are some classic news clichés. You fill in the blank. Some you’ve seen before in “Horribly Wrong.” (Note: this also can be played as a drinking game.) Good night and good ——!*

1. An Albuquerque man was freed Monday after spending 10 years in prison for a crime he _____.

2. It’s not a matter of if, ____.

3. Hoping for the best but _______.

4. Their dream vacation turned into ____.

5. During the shootout, neighbors looked on in ___.

6. Residents are breathing a sigh of ___.

7. Police have many questions but ___.

8. The tornado sounded like a ___.

9. The traffic jam turned the highway into a ___.

10. The residents fled with nothing but the ______.

11. Residents can only hope, and ____.

1. Didn’t commit.
2. But when.
3. Preparing for the worst.
4. A nightmare.
5. Horror.
6. Relief.
7. Few answers.
8. freight train.
9. Parking lot.
10. …clothes on their backs.
11. Pray.

*Good luck.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/lC79wt9oHGg

Next time: “Mind your own business.”
“My pleasure.”

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

It’s time for the “Gold Chronic” awards! See below.

Dr. Baruch Kahana

Hard to murder a slain kid, dontcha think?

The past tense of mislead is misled.

We covered this in a May 2021 segment on bad TV. This time, the culprit is a newspaper. Again: If you say an alleged rape occurred, you just said it occurred. You need to say the woman might (not may) also present testimony “from two of her friends who said she confided in them after the rape is said to have occurred.”

If smash and grab and shoplift in the same graphic isn’t an oxymoron, what is? Here’s the dictionary: “If someone shoplifts, they steal goods from a store by hiding them in a bag or in their clothes.” What happened in this store was nearly 50 people in black hoodies and masks upending shelves, smashing glass cases and attacking employees with bear spray. Not exactly clandestine.

We discussed this way back in November 2021. Use “XXX, FL” just for cities. Not for bodies of water or physical features.

We present our “Gold Chronic” awards!

We’ve said that we’re not so smug as to presume everyone reads our column. And we don’t reach out to offenders. That would shift us from observers to activists. But you’d think after all this time, someone would have let these people know. Or that, if they knew, they’d fix it. Nope. These two ads still run exactly this way.

We showed this ad on Sept. 5, 2021. Two years ago! Then again a year ago, on August 21, 2022. In case you forgot, it literally says, “ten million dollars dollars.”

We first posted this on Nov. 14, 2021. If the jeweler wants you to come in for a free evaluation, why is he asking what his jewelry is worth? Should be: “How much is your jewelry worth? Come on in for a free evaluation!”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 50: Call me…Poindexter? https://youtu.be/aGClV8-CmEE

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 68: Can't get enough of bad TV!

Readers: You kept telling us: “Hey! You’ve done several segments on bad TV news, but you missed this other dumb thing TV said!” Far be it from us to deny our fans.

1. *“In early May, a decayed body with a gunshot wound was discovered inside a metal barrel on the lake’s floor. Local police say that case is being treated as a homicide.”
*“The wealthy couple both were found strangled, half-sitting by their pool, fully dressed, with belts tied around their necks and tied to the pool rail. Police called the deaths suspicious…”
You think?

2. “The officer was a 10-year veteran of the force.”
The Horribly Wrong team honors the service and sacrifice of our law enforcement officers, and has no problem with “veteran.” The problem: As with “around the corner,” how do you quantify “veteran?” We’re good with “50-year veteran.” What about, “ten-year veteran?” What about, “one month veteran?” You see the problem. In dilemmas such as these, we often advise to “write around it.” You can say, “The officer, with 10 years on the force…”

3. “Police have arrested a suspect in Saturday night’s drive-by shooting.”
All the way back on June 20, 2021, we talked about how “suspect” has been misused for decades. In this case, it was used properly. But you don’t need it! It’s redundant. Use the space you save to drop in more facts: “Police arrested a 21-year-old Gotham City man in Saturday night’s drive-by shooting.”

4. “New changes coming to Netflix.”
What would constitute an old change? Just say “changes.”

5. “…he accepted his Academy Award.”
“…the candidate said in his acceptance speech.”
Yes, yes. We know a few actors famously refused their Oscars. But it’s happened very rarely (three times). As for candidates, we also note in fairness that at times in history, it was the convention that came to the person. And we know that the big moment always is when the candidate says, “I accept your nomination.” But we’d be curious to find a case of a politician working like a dog to get nominated and then saying, “Uhh, never mind.” Better choices are “received his Academy Award” and “his nomination speech” or “his victory speech after being nominated.”

6. "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."
This cliché always is associated with scams, but it’s good advice, so we might let it go, in the interest of preventing more victimizations.

7. “An arrest has been made in the bombing that brought down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland in 1988, killing 270. It was the worst terrorist attack on British soil.”
This is OK. One might say, “The explosion was not on British soil. It was thousands of feet in the air.” But the “attack” technically occurred when the bomb was planted on the plane before it left London’s Heathrow Airport. (An aside: Horribly Wrong always has argued that, technically, the worst terrorist attack would be one where nothing happens. Sadly, incidents such as these represent the best terrorist attacks. Wish they all stunk.)

8. “Our Nancy Jones is at City Hall. Nancy, we understand the meeting’s about to start.”
“You’re absolutely right, Jim.”
A little inside baseball: TV borrows from lawyers: Never ask a question for which you don’t know the answer. When TV prepares for “live shots,” it arranges in advance reporters’ exchanges with anchors. That’s just playing safe. But it’s kind of silly when a reporter suggests an anchor just won Final Jeopardy. For once, we’d like to hear a reporter tell an anchor, “Uhh, no, Jim. You’re dead wrong.”

9. “That’s the latest from City Hall. Back to you in the studio.”
“Thank you, Nancy.”
Eliot has fought this since he himself was in TV news a lifetime ago. At the end of a report, why is the anchor thanking the reporter? For just doing her job? And what’s with “Thank you very much for that report.” Or, “Thank you so much.” Really? You never see a newspaper or a magazine article or book end with, “I’m Nancy’s editor. Thank you, Nancy!”

And one more….

Have you ever seen, or heard, someone you recognize as a news anchor or reporter, interview some company owner about his or her product, and ask questions such as “How does that protect in a hurricane"?” or “Does that really grow hair back?” And the person always has a great answer. These folks are selling you something! Actually, they’re selling you a lie. The “journalist” is out of the business and being paid to exploit audience recognition to make you believe you’re watching a newscast instead of a commercial.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/YkC6uxHeqmU

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Writer and occasional “Horribly” contributor Eva Ivonne Olson questions a line in our July 9, 2023 segment: “Several warning signs say you shouldn’t be driving.” She writes, “Signs cannot speak. I think this sentence should read: ‘Several warning signs indicate you shouldn't be driving.’’
Lou Ann, our rules committee opines:
“Objects can say without speaking. Dictionary says:
Say, transitive verb
3a: indicate, show
“The clock says five minutes after twelve.”
We therefore DENY the motion, with appreciation for the discussion. Keep ‘em coming!

Next time: More dumb things sports people say.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

SMH!

Zach Bell

Neal Horner

If you see this in the store, just…just…keep walking.

Same pharmacy chain. We’re a family blog, so let’s just say this sign is redundant. “Intimacy” is enough.

We explained this back in March 2021. You compliment the chef because the noodles complement the broth.

Bruce Moore

Hasn’t this surfer suffered enough?

Whoever did this: Your a gooder writer!

The astrologist predicts: Your getting an F in grammar!

Both these signs were at high-end places we stopped at during a recent visit to Southern California. Hey SoCal: Great weather, but your grammar and spelling need work.

Eva Ivonne Olson

This isn’t so much bad writing as it is just dumb. Those sure look like muffins to us!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 49: Bad TV. Again. https://youtu.be/fyr8tpS4IRs

Readers: People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples of that from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!