Ho, ho, ho!
No, no, no.
It’s the official start of the Christmas shopping season! Nothing says “festive” like shoving your way in when the place opens the day after Thanksgiving, fighting for the last doll, standing in lines that stretch out the door, waiting on hold for an hour, or staring at that little spinning circle of death on your computer screen. What joy! At least companies, groups and governments get in the spirit by finally getting grammar right. OK. They don’t.
Again: No apostrophe in chocolates. And this still would be three fourths of a penny.
Isn’t it amazing how misplaced punctuation can make something unintelligible? And what about the wordy writing? Let’s fix this:
“We gladly will provide a store credit or exchange within 48 hours of your purchase, if for any reason you’re not satisfied with our service or any of our products. You must provide the cashier’s receipt.“
May we retire “process your request?” Imagine taking a stool at your corner pub and ordering your favorite ale and the barkeep says, “I’ll process your request.” It’s bureaucratese at its foulest. Plus, there’s a strong suggestion that nothing will happen anytime soon. And by the way, we have a problem with “request.” You want our money or not?
These folks must be pretty good neighbors to share one dog. Let’s do: “Good neighbors curb their dogs.” Or, “Be a good neighbor. Curb your dog.”
We talked in September 2023 about how formal writing sometimes goes too far. This goofy construction is similar to “Please be advised.” Thank you. Yes! I will be reminded. I’ll get on it right away.
Jonathan Petersohn
Wow! Florida’s official state college has an official state collage! It must be a beautiful piece of art.
You might know by now that this is one of our all-stars. Again: It’s not a hot water heater. In fact, it doesn’t heat hot water, except to make it hotter. What it really is is a cold water heater. Let’s just go with “water heater.”
And we go to the video archives for Segment 57: Not so fast! https://youtu.be/12-t1jqtMEw
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!