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Readers: In college, Eliot attended a Halloween triple-feature. Each “horror” film was more laughably bad than the one before it. The main feature blew his mind, as people said in the 1970s. It's been declared the greatest bad movie of all time. We speak of course about the one, the only, Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Among aficionados of camp, you don't even have to say the film's whole name. Plan 9 is enough. Eliot and his two sons, now grown, have viewed it so many times they use lines from it as running jokes. None more so than alien Eros (Eros? Really?) lecturing earthlings that they are victims of “your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!”
Perhaps you’ve seen the 1994 Johnny Depp movie Ed Wood, about the man behind Plan 9 and other so-bad-they're-hilarious cult classics such as Glen or Glenda and Bride of the Monster.
Do yourself a favor. Find the original Plan 9, available on streaming services for a small price or even for free. There's even a colorized version, which only enhances the bungling brilliance of Edward D. Wood Jr.
For purposes of this segment, we won't touch the errors of astronomy, physics and biology, or the mind-numbing plot, or the wooden acting, not to mention the crazy visual contradictions of day and night and short and tall, or the failed mouth-to-dialogue synchronizations, continuity errors, and more, too many to mention. And those flying saucers!
https://mst3k.fandom.com/
No, we won't cover any of that. “Horribly Wrong” is a feature on bad writing. So we'll deal just with the redundancies, oxymorons, and other lines of dialogue that proudly violate each of the rules we've featured in previous segments.
“Horribly Wrong” readers are welcome to vote on, and submit, their rankings of bad lines. We’ll post the results, as well as our picks, in a future segment. There are no wrong answers!
Many an essay on Wood has pointed out that he truly believed he was creating masterpieces, and did not comprehend how preposterously bad his films were. So the "Horribly Wrong" team laughs not at Ed but with him.
CRISWELL: "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”
WOMAN MOURNER: "First his wife, then he."
JEFF: "I saw a flying saucer."
PAULA: "A saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"
JEFF: "Yeah, or its counterpart."EDWARDS: “Well, they must have a reason for their visits.”
ARMY GUY: “Visits? Well that would indicate visitors!”LT. HARPER: "One thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And somebody's responsible!"
EDWARDS: “They attacked a town. A small town, I'll admit. But nevertheless a town of people."
EROS: "It has taken you centuries to even grasp what we developed eons of your years ago."
EDWARDS: "This is the most fantastic story I've ever heard.”
JEFF: "And every word of it's true, too."
EDWARDS: "That's the fantastic part of it."LT. HARPER: "Modern women..."
EDWARDS: "Yeah, they’ve been that way all down through the ages."EDWARDS: "Why is it so important that you want to contact the governments of our Earth?"
EROS: "Because of death. Because all you of Earth are idiots!"CRISWELL: "Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space!"
Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/kjUVA87ZLbY
Next time: More of “Close, but no cigar.”
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!