Readers: We told you about commercials that butcher the word “only,” or create ridiculous comma shortcuts. But wait. There’s more!

Commercials are rife with bad writing. Most of these broadcast and print ads are not so much criminally misleading as they are just guilty of using stupid grammar. As in, “A second-grader knows better” stupid.

Advertisers: Your refusal to take the few minutes required to write grammatically correct commercials might provide customers insight on the quality of your product, or lack thereof. We’re just sayin’.

1. “YES! I want the commemorative coin. I agree to make just five easy payments of $15.95. Your coin will arrive in four to six weeks.”

In these sentences, two people are talking. The first few sentences are you. The last one is the merchant. How did no one notice that? You’re not sending them a coin in four to six weeks. They’re sending you one. All the merchant had to do is change one word: “My coin will arrive in four to six weeks.” Done.

2.  It’s the biggest no-brainer in the history of mankind.

You know what? It’s not.

3. You’re probably paying too much.

A common grammar mistake. “You probably are paying too much.”

4. Before starting Reposado, your doctor will test you for liver problems.

It’s not your doctor who is starting on Reposado. You are. (Bonus: Search Google to find “Reposado,” the product we substituted for the actual drug named in the commercial.)

5. “Our walking cane is designed to dramatically improve your posture, help you move easier, and feel less pain.”

See #4. You are saying the cane is designed to feel less pain. Canes don’t feel pain. Correct: “…dramatically improve your posture and help you move easier and feel less pain.”

6. I personally invite you to visit our showroom.

Don’t say “personally” unless you mean “personally.” It means you and the other person are in the same room. Not that you are looking at a TV camera and talking to thousands of people simultaneously.

7. The safety and comfort of our customers is our top priority.

Brutal, brutal cliché. And let’s be honest. It usually is insincere.

8. Rest assured.

What would that look like? (By the way, we actually have seen ads say, “Please rest assured.” Thank you. I believe I will.)

9. I’ve been dealing with dry eye since I can remember.

This literally means, “I’ve been dealing with dry eye since the last time I could remember.” This usually would lead to an offensive joke about Alzheimer’s disease, and we don’t to do those. Say, “I’ve been dealing with dry eye for as long as I can remember.”

10. There’s never been a better time. And there never will be a better time. 

It’s almost a certainty that neither statement is true.

11. "Mortgage rates still remain high."

Redundant. “Mortgage rates remain high" is enough.

12. “Come in for a free gift.”

Redundant. A gift is free.

13. “Our products are packed with wholesome goodness!”

These are million-dollar words that aren’t worth ten cents. What the heck is goodness? The state of being good? As opposed to what? And couldn’t any food product claim to be wholesome, unless it’s made out of dirt? Even potato chips are wholesome, the Horribly Wrong team supposes.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/K2z8qhvVXVM

Next time: Politically Incorrect

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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